AD AGENCIES IN CRISIS AS THEY RUN OUT OF THINGS TO CALL THEMSELVES

Ad agencies have officially run out of new things to call themselves so as not to call themselves, “ad agencies.” The news comes as small agency founders launching new ventures discovered they could not come up with any pseudo-intellectual gibberish to replace the phrase, “Advertising Agency.” This reality has left the entire industry flummoxed.

“Creative Consultancy, Brand Collective, Content Company, Digital Workshop, Experience Agency, Design Studio, Engagement Lab, we’ve tried em’ all,” says one of the eleven former big ad agency creative directors currently running a design experience consultancy/brand engagement studio out of a WeWork.

The crisis has come as a shock to industry veterans who claim to not make advertising or anything resembling advertising, even though they totally do.

“Advertising professionals made Halitosis a disease, turned station wagons into Sport Utility Vehicles and got a whole generation freaked out by, “Ring around the collar.” Surely, we can come up with some new nonsense to call ourselves,” says Division of Labor Creative Director, Josh Denberg.

A group of copywriters from some of the most respected ad agencies that don’t want to call themselves ad agencies have come together on a Google Doc to solve the crisis. But the first session was marred by debate over whether Google Docs was the right vehicle to use and whether Slack, Asana, or a shared Keynote was better. Immediately, TikTok videos were made belittling the process.

“The English language has been exhausted. But what about other languages?,”  asked Drew Weber, a copywriter at Division of Labor who calls himself a “content creator” and is currently searching for another term for “Guru” to use on his LinkedIn profile.

Desperate American advertising agencies have contacted foreign ad agencies to inquire about using their language in their titles. While talks with the Germans and Italians have gone well, the French have taken offense to the proposal.

“Just because you don’t have enough words in your stupid language doesn’t mean you Americans can come in and steal ours,” said one cliché, condescending Frenchman from a company we can neither spell nor pronounce.

Meanwhile, concern is growing between America’s shores that these businesses may have to revert back to the archaic title of “advertising agency.”

“I mean, I guess we could call ourselves an ad agency. But we don’t make ads; we make content and experiences that surprise and delight consumers,” said a representative from one of the billion shops that claim to not do exactly what they get hired to do.

But with options running thin and time running out, ad agencies may have no choice but to call themselves what they really are. “It’s a dark day for the industry,” says Denberg. “But we will find other ways to obfuscate and deflect. It’s what we do.”

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